Fuck Swearnet and fuck you.
Huh. Good morning to you fellows too.
Go fuck yourself. Morning.
Well, worthless
and weak fucking performance in Helsinki.
Well, for fuck's sakes, I don't know what everybody expects.
The fucking tasks are almost impossible.
It's fucked! I just want to go the fuck home.
The good news is,
last day to make some real money here.
Here's your tasks for today.
Can't believe I'm in fucking Amsterdam.
I'm so stressed out, I'm not even going to enjoy it.
I've dreamt of coming here my whole life!
"Task number 1:
"pick out traditional Dutch clogs
and wear them for the day, 25 bucks."
Okay, there's an easy 25, at least.
What the fuck are those? They're fucking uncomfortable, man.
That's what they are. The big wooden shoes, Ricky.
Big wooden things. It's fucked, but it's easy. Okay.
ride a three-person bike to...
"from regular-ward-strut to..."
wherever the fuck that is, 25 bucks.
Okay, easy, ride a three-person bike. We've done that before.
"Coupons and maps enclosed." All right.
meet Crosby, Stills and Nash"?
"And sing a song with them for $1,000"?
We're going to meet Crosby, Stills and Nash?
I doubt it, but Swearnet was kind enough
to get you boys tickets
and passes to tonight's performance. Holy fuck!
We're never going to get them to fucking sing a song with us, Bubs.
Look at that. That's a real pass!
To Crosby, Stills & Nash!
What's the fourth one? There isn't a fourth one.
There was a fourth one. There wasn't. It just... It ended at three.
Okay, well I don't really give a fuck about this.
Let's go do something easy and get some fucking money
so I can go to a coffee shop, please.
Well, let's start with the clogs. All right.
- Let's do the clogs. - ...food.
Decent!
Good luck, shit-rats.
Jesus, that guy's mean.
Okay, boys. It should be right up here.
It should be an easy 25 for us.
Why would they even make shoes out of trees?
I know. They're stupid! Why would you do that? It's fucked.
Because they're fucking dry, and it rains a lot here.
Those are dry. Wood shoes are dry and comfy.
They're not going to be comfortable. They're wood.
Well, that's what... Holy fuck! Holy shit!
Look at this. It's like clog heaven in here.
I'm glad you're excited.
Decent. So it's Just...
It says, "Pick out three pairs of traditional clogs."
For fuck's sakes... What do you think?
Get these fucking things and get it over with.
Ohhh, I'm going to take these ones.
Which ones? Those ones I was going to take.
Well, they match me. You should wear red.
Red'll match your shirt. Those are like the Elvis ones.
I'd like to have those. Elvis wouldn't be wearing something like that.
No, but if he did... He wouldn't.
Here, I can take red, I guess.
So what do we do with these?
I've got a coupon here from Swearnet.
Hello, guys. Hi there.
Hi...
I've got a coupon here from Swearnet.
Show me.
Yes...
All right. We've got to leave our shoes here, boys,
it says on the thing.
Those bastards! For fuck's sakes...
Well, that's how they're... I know.
not actually giving them to us.
They think you're so goddamn smart. For you?
He's going to take the blue ones.
Wooden shoes!
- Good times. - Quite a fucking thing.
- Do you wear these yourself? - Are they nice?
Boys, we look like dicks.
We look dumb but they're actually not that bad.
We sound like horses, too.
All right. What's next?
Well, according to this,
we've got to go ride that three-person bike.
Let's just get it over with.
Let's get some money. I need to eat. I'm fucking starving.
And we need hash, badly. Well, let's go.
I think clogs are cool, myself.
I think they're, you know, nice and colourful.
And this is something like rock stars would wear, in my opinion.
And ladies dig them too. I'm pretty sure.
We look like a boy band.
Nobody else is wearing these fucking things.
Where the fuck did this rain come from?
Amsterdam, Ricky. Apparently it rains,
and goes away, and rains...
It's saying it should be right up here.
I can't believe how many fucking bikes are here.
There's the fucking bike right there.
Hey, buddy. That's pretty cool.
- You from Swearnet? - Yeah...
All right. We're supposed to take this and go to here?
Where? Right to there.
To there? Yeah.
Oh, it's straight here, guys. Just right there?
You can make it. Yeah. All right.
You'll have a lot of fun there. They'll love you guys over there.
Oh, yeah? Cool. Cool. Great.
Who's driving?
You are, Ricky. All right!
I've never been on one of these fucking things before.
Yes, you have. Don't kill us, Ricky.
Put up the kick stand.
Jesus Christ...
All right, boys. Oh, wait. I lost a fucking shoe.
Okay. We good?
- I think so. - Good luck, guys!
Thank you.
Fuck... This is cool!
Do not kill us, Ricky!
I'll try not to, boys. Whoo!
This is going to be easy money, boys.
Fucking right!
- Take a left, Rick. - Left, left. Right up here.
Fuck!
Should I lick your balls?
- What?
Did you hear what that guy...?
What are they talking about?
You want to get your cock sucked?
My cock?
I like to think I'm pretty liberal in my views.
I don't judge anybody.
And I think I can handle any situation.
But you get a big group of, you know, young, fit fellows
yelling at you, saying, "Hey, show us your wiener!",
you get flustered pretty quick.
If they had just kept it to whistling, you know,
I probably would have been a little flattered
but some of the shit they were saying
was really, really fucking aggressive.
Let us fuck your strong American mouths.
Okay, that's enough!
- Just get us out of here. - Get us the fuck out of here.
Double time, boys. Double time. Heave it.
Fucking chain came off.
Fuck. Push. Chain's off. I'll push, I'll push. Keep pushing.
- ...licker. - What?
Okay, that's enough!
Come on, boys.
Push, Julian. Get us out of Blowjob Alley!
Hey, boys. There's Mayhue.
Slow down.
Thank fuck. We did it!
Nice. How did you boys enjoy that?
That was good except you sent us through the gay neighbourhood
and we're not gay. I don't pick the route.
Comes from the head office of Swearnet.
Well, we did it. So do we get paid? We rode the route.
You're gonna get paid. Yes! In fact,
I'm going to pay you guys now so you get some food.
I don't want to see you creeps starving here.
Oh, thank you. Right, get your game on.
Let's get some hash and get some food, boys. Whoo!
Food! No, no, no, I'm getting a drink first.
Coffee shop. We're getting some hash. Liquor first.
We're in fucking Amsterdam!
Food!
Liquor!
Hash! Food. I've got the money.
You're also the one that the guys were saying
they wanted to blow the most too.
Okay, boys. We've got, like, fucking 8 euros each basically,
so let's get some food. Well,
if you look at the math though, there's an extra Europe.
No, no, no, no... There's 8+8+8...
8.33 each, Bubs. I should get the extra Europe.
We're going to get 8.33 each. It's only fair.
...even, right. All I fucking know right now
is I'm going to get some hash,
I'm getting high as fuck in this park for most of the day.
Fuck food, fuck liquor. I need some hash.
Fine. You spend your 8.33 how you want, man. Okay.
You can't get high in the park. Why?
It's not legal.
I'm pretty sure you've got to be inside, don't you?
This is Amsterdam. You can do anything you want here.
I know you can smoke it, but I don't think
you can just walk around smoking it.
I don't see anybody walking around...
Is that cops there?
What the fuck is... "Politie"?
Yes, it's cops, but we...
I'll find out then what the fuck the deal is.
Don't go asking the cops about hash, for fuck's sake!
I think it's a smart thing to probably do.
Ricky!
Hey, guys. Uh...
Do you guys speak English? Anglaishe? Yeah.
Oh, excellent, okay, perfect.
We're from Sunnyvale, Canada, and my friends,
first time here, it's like Disneyland to them
'cause they both like to smoke a lot of dope.
He likes hash and weed.
Can we get hash and weed around here or...
- Yes, you can. - Okay, perfect.
- Over there. Smoking. - Coffee shop.
I love... or they love this place.
And how much can you carry on your person?
About five grams.
Five grams? Five grams each. Five grams each.
So you're going to have to carry five
and you can carry five. No, I'm not...
No jail. Perfect.
All I want is some rum.
Where can I find some cheap rum?
Cheap? It's Amsterdam, still Amsterdam,
so it's expensive.
Expen... like, for a rum and Coke?
Yeah, ten. Ten? Ten euros.
Ten euros! Are you fucking kidding me?
You don't even have enough for a drink. No, I'm getting 10 bucks.
How much is hash? What happened to fair?
It's 10 bu... I need a drink!
Okay? For a joint is five euros.
Five? So hash is cheaper than liquor.
So, let's just go to hash. You can get...
Don't you want to get some food?
Well, do they have stuff you can eat, like...?
Yeah, space cake. Space cake? I like the sound of that.
Let's get some space cake for you, Bubs.
I just want something without the hash in it.
Some French fries or something.
Maybe a hot dog. Or hash fries.
Hash fries.
Let's go get you guys some hash.
Come on, guys. Thank you.
Cheers. Thank you.
Ricky, why did you fucking tell them
that we smoke hash? Yeah, what's it called?
You wanted to know what the fucking laws were.
Well, you didn't have to fucking say it was for us.
I don't want any fucking hash.
They were high. You could tell, anyway.
They smoke hash. Those guys don't smoke hash.
So do they sell booze in these places?
No. Just coffee and fucking awesome dope.
Just coffee and dope? No booze?
Well, let's find a place that sells booze then.
Julian, please.
This is the one fucking place in the world
where I think dope takes fucking priority over...
Ricky!
Jesus Christ.
What the fuck's with all the bikes around here?
That's how people get around in Amsterdam.
No fucking booze. Are you kidding me?
There it is, boys.
I've heard about this place.
It's fucking famous.
Ricky, are you crying? Crying? No.
You know, a lot of kids,
they dream of going to Disneylandworld;
this has been my dream my whole fucking life.
Now I'm here.
Let's just get in here
and get some fucking weed,
get high and get the fuck out
and find a bar, please.
We need food, boys.
Oh, my God! There's kitties in here?
Kitty's getting high in here too.
Kitties!
Hi there.
What's your name?
He's a nice little kitty.
...Super Silver Haze,
King Kush, Methane Cheese, Amnesia Supreme...
Look at the hashish!
Just... just pick one. Hi.
- How are you doing? - I'm good.
I'm Ricky, from Sunnyvale, Canada. I'm Ron.
I'm Ron. Nice to meet you. This is Julian.
And this is Bubbles. Hi. Ron.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
How are you guys doing? So... this is real?
Long way from home? Yeah. Ha, ha!
This is real, yeah, definitely.
There are so many wonderful things on here.
And you guys have edibles? Like...
Yeah, we have edibles as well.
We have cakes and muffins.
We sell that at the other bar. Seriously, boys...
And on this list you can see that the weed list
which communicates the sativa or indica behind it.
This is the hash list,
the countries where it's from,
pre-rolled joints... Oh, God...
Calm down, Ricky. Yeah, pick something. Okay.
I haven't been high since Copenhagen, Danishmart.
So to me it was like being a little kid
and looking at the Shears catalogue
and trying to pick out a fucking toy.
There was just so much to pick from.
I think we should spend it all, boys, and we'll get to...
No, we're not... No! We're not spending it all.
I'm hungry too, and we'll get you a drink after,
but... Yeah, when?
Ricky, I'm saving my money for food.
Okay, how much money do I have?
You've got 8 euros 33.
Okay. I've got 9 euros to spend.
No... I'm going to start with some hash
8.33, Ricky. and I'd like some of the...
How does his brain work? the Afghan.
I think I'll try some of the Afghan
- and the... - Yes, the Baby & Buddha.
and the Nepalese Cream.
And the Nepalese Cream. Oh my God.
Half-half? Half, yeah, out of the nine.
And look at this.
Rolling papers, filters.
Right on the bar.
I love this place!
Boys, I should move here.
I should've been bornt here.
You can't move here, Ricky.
If you move here, I've got to move here.
This is your Baby & Buddha.
God...
It's not very big. I wish we had more money.
Ohh, God, that smells good.
That's great.
Just like home, boys, but it's totally legal.
Mmm.
They'd make a lot more money if they sold booze here.
You guys would make a lot more money
if you sold booze here, you know?
- You know that, right? - I know, sir.
And it used to be like that up until 2007.
We had a full-size bar.
Unfortunately the Dutch government
is changing laws now and then.
- Fuck. - So you have to choose.
Either the smoke or the booze.
I would have chosen booze. So we can just sit and smoke?
After you pay me you can.
It's 9 euros. Pay the man, Julian.
64 cents is coming out of yours, Bubs.
What do you mean, "coming out of mine"? 66 cents, actually.
Can't come out of mine! I'll pay you back!
I'll pay you back the 33 fucking cents.
How did I get fucked? He owes you...
- And one, your change, sir. - Thank you.
Have a pleasant smoke and enjoy Amsterdam.
I'm going to have close to a thousand dollars later.
I'm going to be back. I want a little bit of everything.
- See you a bit later. - Thank you.
You won't have a thousand.
You'll have 999 and 33 cents.
36 cents.
Drumroll, please!
Finally.
Now it's a fucking vacation, boys.
Thanks. How is it? Nepalese Cream.
De-licious.
The taste of that hash reminded me
of the hash we used to get back in Grade 6.
The kind of hash that, no matter how fucking stressed out you are,
you take one big lungful and everything is fucking better.
Fuck, I love unfucked-with hash!
Nepalese Cream, eh?
Are you going to give me some food?
I paid for 33 cents of that.
That's got to be a drag.
Just smoke some. Just a bloody drag.
Enjoy, buddy.
Have you got a buzz-on yet or what?
Instantly. I love this pl...
Look at this.
Everyone sitting around, smoking, having a good time.
You see, if they had liquor here,
there'd probably be fighting...
This is fucking awesome.
People wouldn't be fighting, man, come on.
I might be, if I was really wasted right now.
There's some dicks, yeah,
but there's dicks that get stoned too, you know.
They park their fucking bikes
in the middle of the goddamn sidewalks and shit.
Yeah, I probably would be getting in a fight if I was drunk right now.
This is making me nice and calm and happy.
Can we go and get some food?
No, we've got to go get a drink first.
Let's just enjoy the moment here, guys.
It's not all about you, you know, Bubs.
I never said it's all about me,
but I haven't fucking eaten in almost two days!
Stop talking about food, 'cause now
this is making me extra fucking hungry.
Just 'cause I want to eat something
in two fucking days... I know, okay! Well, I...
I've been taking about this since I got here, okay?
When you've been drinking liquor since the age of 6 or 7,
one thing you need every day is liquor.
Why can't I get a fucking drink
on the way to get food, for fuck's sakes?
Despite what Julian and Mr. Lahey
might try to make you believe,
the human body can't live off of just liquor.
It needs to have food.
Foodstuffs!
That's about...
That's close.
Smooth as a baby's hand.
Boys, that's nuclear hash.
What were we talking about?
I don't know.
I might actually have to put this little camper out for a bit.
Good idea, man.
Go to bed, little buddy.
I'll wake you up in a little bit.
All right, let's go get a drink.
Holy fuck, boys, am I ever hungry.
we got to get some more money.
How much money do you have left?
Well, I don't know now.
Yeah, you don't spend much money on food
and you don't spend it at all on liquor... You spent my 33...
I've got 8 euros.
We'll see how much this costs. My stomach's making tiger noises.
Can you hear it? I hear something.
No, you're high, Bubs.
You can't even hear his stomach... And now I can legally...
leave this place with hash in my pocket.
We even asked the cops.
Right on, boys, this is what I'm talking about.
Thank fuck! Bubs, why don't you just
get some food in here, man? Yeah, Bubs!
No, I'm waiting. I'm waiting.
You're not going to get the most food in a pub.
Hurry up and get a drink.
I'm going to be out here.
I've only got 8 euros 33
and that's not where you're going to get the most food.
You ever feel like you're a snowman
and you wonder if you're going to melt or not?
Ricky, you're baked.
I am too... I'm fucked!
We should smoke another joint
and level off a little bit.
That doesn't make any sense.
Smoking another joint's
just going to make you higher.
I wish I was made of sand.
Stop saying things like that, Ricky,
'cause now I feel like I'm made of sand.
Imagine if we were a duck
and we just go in the canal right now
and swoop in and start...
fffloating our way around. Here, Bubs.
Oh, you happy now, Mr. Crankypants?
Yeah, well, kinda. Good. Here.
Where's the rest of it? That's it, man.
How much is there? 6 euros!
I'm supposed to have 8 euro 33.
But... I know, but it cost 10 euros for this drink.
Oh, that's fair! Way to go, Julian!
I could have spent another dollar on hash!
So why do you get to spend 10 dollars on liquor...
What am I going to do, negotiate a price with her?
It's 10 euros. Why didn't you order a single?
Come on! Just remember, when he's starving to death
and we're all starving to death, it's your fault.
Well... hey, no, no, no, no, no!
Don't blame this all on me.
You've ripped him off too.
I didn't rip him off. You did so rip him off.
You guys both fucking ripped me off.
You smoked what I owed you in the joint.
I took one drag, Ricky!
And I paid for 33 cents' worth.
Well, here, do you want a drink?
Yes, I want a fucking drink.
I'm taking a drink too.
I own 4% of that drink.
No, no, no, no, Bubs! Are you kidding me?
I didn't say fucking gulp it!
Just a little... No! No, no that's it, that's it!
That's it, he took too much.
That's what you get. Jesus Christ.
He's a sassy one. I paid for that gulp.
Okay, and you got the gulp.
Yeah, one fucking gulp.
And who decides what a gulp is anyway?
- Your girlfriend's hot. - Ricky!
What? She is!
Yes, she is pretty fucking hot, man.
Boys, I'm fucking baked out of my mind.
I know, it's awesome!
Okay, let's go get some food.
Well, why don't we just go to a bar, man,
and sit down, for fuck's sakes?
We were just at a fucking bar. Why didn't you eat at the bar?
Because it's not good bang for the buck, boys.
We've got 6 euros, you know,
so I need bang for the buck.
We need to find, like, a...
like, a French fry place
or a... kee-babs... Ohh, you're making me hungry.
get myself a doner kee-babs. I'm fucking starving, Bubbles!
Stop talking about food. Yeah, man, stop talking about food.
Well, that's all... Boys, my feet are fucking killing me.
I've got to sit down.
Well, we'll be fine... I fucking love this place.
Cannabis College?
What the fuck is that? Is that real?
All right, Bubs, just give me a minute.
I've got to check this fucking place out.
Maybe I'll go to school here. Maybe I could teach.
For fuck's sakes! Ricky, I'm fucking starving.
We're Cannabis College... Thank you.
information centre about cannabis. Welcome in.
This is awesome.
Okay, let me get this straight.
This is an actual college for cannabis?
Well, we're a free information centre.
If there's anything you'd like to learn,
you're welcome to just ask. This is wicked.
Like, I could come over here and maybe work here.
Do you guys take job applications?
Um, well, what we do is we take volunteers.
If you want to, you can help out by volunteering.
That's a job application? Yes, it's a volunteer application.
So you guys are doing all this and making a great living?
This is wicked! No, Ricky,
volunteer.
They mean you work for free. That's...
But, if you take applications, you get a job here.
Do you want an application? Definitely.
Do you hire Canadians?
Um, so long as you're legal to live here.
Well, if you don't leave, then it's legal, I guess.
Ricky, you know this is... Boys, I could be working at a cannabis college!
Legit. Volunteering at a cannabis college.
It's volunteering, Rick. Making money doing what I love.
He doesn't know what a fucking volunteer is.
He doesn't know what it fucking means. Doesn't have a clue.
"Ricky The Fucking Professor".
It's got a nice rang to it, doesn't it, boys?
Ricky... I'll move my whole fucking family over here,
make a good living. But, Ricky,
that's the part you're not getting!
You're not going to be making a living!
What are you talking about, Bubs? Teachers get fucking paid!
It's good job. No, you'd be volunteering!
Just... You know what, Julian? Just forget it.
He's never going to understand.
Let's just go fucking eat, please!
Right now? Yes, right now!
I'm starving! Let's see some sights, or do something!
Ricky, you've got your stuff, he's got his liquor.
I need to eat. I don't give a fuck what anybody says,
we're eating right now!
Oh, my fuck!
Are you serious?
Dudes! What's up?
What are you doing here?
What the fuck are you doing here?
This is my boat, bro!
Get the fuck on the boat
'cause we got some getting-fucked-up to do!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...
Fuck off! Jesus Christ!
Fuck.
Fuck off.